My Journey to Sobriety

I choose happiness. I'm 46 days sober in this picture.

Many of my subscribers don’t know this about me but I suffer from severe depression, anxiety and alcoholism. It stems from a long list of traumatic events that have happened to me from my past. I won’t get into too much details in this post – maybe on a podcast I’ll share with you someday. I’m writing this post so I could share my story and perhaps it’ll encourage someone who’s struggling with depression, anxiety and alcoholism to get help like I did. Here’s my recovery story.

My name is Martine, I’m 39 years old and my sobriety date is February 22, 2023. I grew up in a religious and alcoholic household. I remember watching my dad smoke and drink almost every day. I remember my mom preaching and praying every day. When my dad would drink, it would mostly be with his friends. Unfortunately I watched his disease allow him to verbally abuse my mom. I spent a lot of my days nervous for when he would come home from work instantly reaching for his beer or dark liquor from the easily accessible mini bar he kept in the living room.

Both of my parents worked very hard, but we still had money problems. We moved to Ft. Lauderdale, Florida from Brooklyn, New York to start a new life. This was supposed to be the new beginning that we all needed. My dad vowed to stop using, but like most smokers and alcoholics, he didn’t. From the age of 10 until I was 14, I didn’t understand how a drink could change my dad so drastically. But, I would find out a year later.

At age 15, I took my first drink in the eleventh grade. I can’t really remember if I drank before that. If so, I was 12 or 13. What I do remember is that I snuck sips of liquor from my dad’s mini bar. At first, I hated the taste. Then I remember splitting a bottle of liquor between myself and two other friends. At that point, I got it. I liked the feeling alcohol gave me. It made me funny. It made me cool and it made me beautiful. I loved it instantly. I got to school the next day and confided in a girl as to what I had done the day before and she encouraged me to drink more. She was a young drinker, too.

I finished eleventh grade and started my senior year in 2000. Even though I had many friends, I was very shy at heart. I made friends with some older people, too. I got drunk and high for the first time that same year, when I was 15. My best friend at the time introduced me to so many different drugs and I was having the time of life, so I thought.

Throughout my junior and senior years in high school, I continued to drink whenever I could, as much as I could. This led to me using weed, ecstasy and acid as well. But, I always turned back to alcohol. It made me feel so powerful and in control. I maintained my grades and graduated on time. I was even sorely hungover during prom night since I stayed up all night the day before taking pills and drinking.

2001 to 2003, when I started college, were my hardest drinking days. I took this as the time to drink until I threw up or blacked out. One time, at age 18, I partied so hard at a bar I blacked out then had to get my stomach pumped. How I found myself, when I woke up, was embarrassing. I seriously blacked out every single time I drank. When I was blacked out, I would fight friends, throw up on myself, and pee myself as well. I would be fine, drinking with my friends, then blackness. Then the next day started and I would pick up where I left off. It was a vicious cycle that I couldn't stop.

Surprisingly, around 2005, I stopped drinking heavily for a few years to give my body a break. I was getting a little older and becoming an adult. I wanted to take my life seriously. I was proud of myself when I reached my mid 20s. I had stopped drinking and taking drugs for over 3 years. I even got pregnant at 25 but the pressure to be a mom scared me. Instead of having a baby, I decided to terminate my pregnancy. I wrote about my story in a past blog post if you want read about that experience. I do regret making that choice and I vow to never do it again should God bless me with a pregnancy. Because of that experience, I became Pro-Life. I would never tell anyone what to do with his or her body but I will never encourage anyone to get an abortion. I learned a lot about myself going through that.

Since then, I feverishly returned to my vicious cycle. I was what people would call a functioning alcoholic. I started drinking again and this time I couldn’t stop. Flash-forward to current day, at age 39, I’ve had my final share of blackouts. After experiencing a death of a family member who suffered from addiction, that really shook me. Not only that, I endured many ultimatums from partners who had enough of me and my disease and countless heartbreaks that I caused myself, all because I couldn’t help myself.

I reached my rock bottom at the end of January 2023. I woke up on February 2, 2023, and went to a treatment center for an intake appointment. The next week, I started outpatient treatment. Treatment saved my life. Now I go to AA meetings to this day and I found my sponsor at a women’s group.

My life now isn’t comparable to the life that I had been living as a drunk. I’m happier, healthier, and a better sister, friend and person. People enjoy being around me. And my mom has peace knowing that she can call and I will answer the phone sober. There’s a quote by Sade Andria Zabala I found just days into my sobriety that hit me like a ton of bricks. It says, “I understood myself only after I destroyed myself. And in the process of fixing myself, did I know who I really was.”

To anyone out there struggling with alcohol or drug abuse, just know that you are not alone. And that help is out there where ever you turn. You just can’t be afraid to ask for it. And life is so much more beautiful than the darkness in which you have been living.

I’m grateful for my sobriety. I’m honored to have renewed my vows with Jesus Christ by getting baptized on March 25, 2023 (see my Instagram post below). And now, I’m grateful for my life because it’s one that’s worth living. – Martine